i'm sure that most of my posts are about my life being so confusing for me and that i can't control anything bad that comes my way. you wanna know why? it's because i can't. every time i do something that i think is fine and won't hurt me, i'm wrong and i end up hurting myself, someone else, or the both of us. i can't seem to make things meet ends. well, i guess that saying is true: "the only thing that stays constant is change". it's really amazing how many times just this year have made me think i can't handle anything anymore. there was my homework, having a boyfriend while juggling homework, handling winterguard and homework, not fighting with my mom and all..... so many. well, time to add another! woohoohoo!

i've had a horrible time as of late with my best friend that i've known since kindergarten, but have been closest friends since the 3rd grade. i pretty much ruined it because i wanted to spend time with carson. so, here's the story. about a week ago, i said i might be able to make it to my bff's basketball game because she would be cheering. well, after school, i said i would be at the math club with carson. it turned out taht we also got free pizza, and in the end, had 10 pieces to take. so, before we could go anywhere, we had to eat them, cold. well, i had.... 2. carson had like 6, which is amazing. so, when we finished it, i said i wanted to go to the basketball game, but carson said he wanted to see the wrestling. well, being naive and all, i said okay, but we had to go back to see the cheer. so, we watched a few matches. the problem was, i didn't think matches would take so long. and when i went to see when the cheerleaders were ready...... the game was over. i felt really bad and all. i didn't feel right at all and i don't know, it didn't sit well with me.

so, then next time i saw my bff, she ignored me. well, i can't say that.... it was more of a hear me, ignore me, and flick her head the other way and scurry away. yeah, that hurt me, but i deserved that. so, for almost a week, i didn't try anything mainly because i was scared. i don't take yellings from friends well because, well, they're friends. and besides, i've known her forever and finally having a fight like this, it didn't feel right. i planned on either sending her a message or something or have one of my friends talk to her because i didn't think she would listen to me. that's happened to me. krissy was mad at me and she wouldn't listen to me no matter what i said. i thought that was going to happen again and i was so scared. when going through that with krissy, i broke down hard. fights with friends have never gone well with me. family, i can handle because i don't know, my family is weird like that and both sides are known to have fights, so i've always thought of that as normal. but friendships, never. it's rare for me to have fights with friends, and i can't always deal well with it. anyway, brittany, another of my friends, finally urged me to just send a message. i did and it was on facebook because she hardly gets on AIM now. to maek sure she saw my message, i made sure it was short and to the point, because when she goes to the inbox, you see the first 10 words or so. so, here's our talk so far.....

ME: we need to talk. IM me, leave a message, something. it doesnt feel right that we aren't talking now. i wanna fix this.

BFF: u couldve stopped it if u would have figured out ur priorities but now we all kno them and we all kno im behind carson and for some reason it seem crazy to me that even though u promised me that u would be at my game... something that is majorly important to me... then ditched me to walk around with carson.. ive just gotten sick of it.. everytime u make plans to hang out u always break them 4 carson... i kno hes ur first bf but u can say no sometimes say jenn is my bff since 3rd grade and i cant leave her... cuz u kno wut... i feel like im not ur best friend anymore i feel like i come in second to carson and no matter how much i want u do be someplace special for me i carson doesnt want to go ull listen to him... no this is not gonna be figured out if u just tell carson to call me and apoligize... cuz thats not wut i want... i want my bff bak

ME: i know. i'm sorry i made a dumb, stupid, retarded mistake. i don't know what i was thinking. and really, i actually told carson i wanted to see the game. the problem was.... we had pizza. 10 slices of pizza. we did get in trouble from trying to get into the gym, but we got caught even BEFORE entering the place. so, we spent..... a half hour eating cold pizza. but, i guess the rest of the time, i don't have a good enough excuse..... i feel like an idiot. and can i just point something out? your status. it didn't take a week for me to figure out what was wrong. i knew it from the beginning. i was just scared. these things are hard for me, trying to makeup and all because most of the time, i say the wrong things and then everything is screwed up. i lose my friends and it's hard to earn their trust back, like now. it took a lot to finally send the message... i had brittany on my back telling me to just send it. but please understand, i never meant to do that to you on purpose, i just didn't think and this is what i got. if you knew how much this has been tormenting me this entire time, then you'd know that i'll do my best to bring our friendship back. can you please forgive me?

well, i just got another message, but i just can't handle anything more tonight, so maybe tomorrow, if i can remember.... i don't know, things are getting out of hand again. i'm beginning to wonder, will i ever be capable of doing anything right?

so, right now it's REALLY late, or early, whichever. and now, the first snow day of St. Louis has passed, and it wasn't that great. i guess the reason i'm acting this way is from Thursday....

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

i wake up and all upset. thurs was supposed to rain ice and snow a lot, meaning no school. and you know what? no ice, no snow, just SCHOOL. i was hella mad. so, i go to school, kinda pissed off, and have my day. that is, until second hour. we get this announcement right after our normal morning ones and the guy said in this cheery voice: "good morning students. i'm sure all of you are interested in hearing this, but right now the roads are becoming too slick and so, school has been considered a short day. all students will leave school at 12:13 and should leave the campus immediately. as for the schedule, all students will not go to 3rd hour, but go to 5th hour after this hour like in a normal half day. have a nice day and drive safely." can anyone scream as loudly as my class? I THINK NOT! i was so happy. and when i left, i ran into so many of my friends, since the normal route to my classes were a tiny bit different, we were so happy. then, i ran into carson, he was just a little upset because he had plans to stay after and hang out with so many people. i felt selfish there since i wanted to spend the day with him, but then again, i kenw that would be hard..... it's cold with ice. and i shoudl know, for 5th hour, i had to walk outside to the trailers for biology. well, i had that, then history, then band. when we left, it was hailing, not badly, but it was hailing. and when i got home, I WAS BORED. so, i went to brit's house. we watched the nightmare before christmas since it was my first time watching it. then did some other things. and then we turn to the news. it was later, like 5 or so i think, and we see our name on the list of school closings. OMFG, we were so happy. so then, carson and i talk on the phone. i forgot who called who, but then this happened:

we wanted to see each other on friday (yesterday, for most of you) and i called my mom to ask her. i got a no, since my grades were still poor and she didn't want it. i had a mini fight with her on that. then, i try to call her back, and she doesn't answer at all. turns out, she was talking to dad the entire time and you know what? he calls me and says i cant. i start to have this fit that i try and keep quiet since i am at brit's house sitting on the staircase. so, he calls my mom back and tries to make a deal. and guess what? i don't get it. and to make matters worse, brit came up to me to check on me, since i pretty much started crying again. he says to me: "you know, at this rate, your mom and I will force you to live in Omaha." ok, that sent me over the cliff. i hung up and just sat there. brit said i could go to her room for some privacy and relax a little. she even said that if i wanted to stay away from my parents, i could sleep over. i said i didn't need to because i would have to go home anyways, so i rejected. but, i did go to her room and called carson to tell him teh story. i was now crying so much, i could hardly talk. i guess carson was so upset as well since this is what he told me: "you're quitting winterguard. you are doing your homework right when you get home and you aren't leaving or doing anything else until it is all done. i'm sorry, but i'm stepping in. you and your mom have fought too much so now i have to stop this. i'm getting involved. tomorrow morning, me and my mom are coming over and the four of us are going to talk this out." i don't know if i was happy, scared, mad, or something that has no words to it. but he said it in this really stern and mad, yet caring voice. i didn't want him to get involved because wit my mom, things can get complicated and unpredictable. i dont remember when he mentioned this, but this also didn't make my day. it was fine when he began, but just made me feel worse in the end: "my mom doesn't like your mom that well. i mean, both of us think your parents are insane. my mom doesn't like yours that much because you aren't disciplined and you dont get good grades, so your mom should get more involved. plus, she hardly spends time with you." i was happy that people were seeing that my parents were a little nutty, but then he brings up how his mom thought of me. i'm well aware that i am self-concious, but hearing that just made things a tiny bit worse. plus, it's my fault that my mom isn't involved. when i heard that, i realized that was my fault. i push her away because i hate having to talk about things that concern me, being self-concious and all. then, i also expect her to know things when she and i don't talk much. so, i ended up crying and talking to carson and my dad, who called every once in a while to check on me, for about 2 hours. i finally left around midnight and didn't tell my mom i came home.

Friday, December 1st, 2006

i had only slept for 4 hours and woke up at 7. i knew that i didn't have school and if we did, i was unwilling to go. the previous night was too much for me. so, because i had nothing better to do, i stayed in bed, crying maybe a few times, for 2 hours staring at a wall. it was 9 AM when my mom came in and talked to me. i always feel weird when i have a serious talk, so i obviously felt that when she came in. she knew i was home and she also knew i had cried. she even guess that i cried myself to sleep, which i did. mom told me that she was going to stay home and we would shovel the driveway together and maybe make a cheesecake, since we've actually meant to do that whenever we had the chance. but, she knew i wouldn't be alright. i was still upset about not being able to see carson. well, she brought this up as well: "now, if you two acted more like friends and less like boyfriend/girlfriend, then i wouldn't have any trouble with letting you two see each other." ok, that pissed me off. i didn't show it, but i thought that was completely stupid. in other words, she thought we were thinking of sex. HA! that's a laugh. AT A TIME LIKE THIS?! why would we? i've been depressed and i'm working on my grades. besides, she, OF ALL PEOPLE, shoudl know i would never do such a thing. carson too. and she thinks we're going too fast!!!!!! please, every one of my friends who have had a bf/gf have gone faster than us! we're going at the speed of snails.... but, i guess i could get where she was coming from. the last time she saw me and carson together, i sat on his lap a few times. but that was the farest we've ever gone. i still thought it was stupid, so later i talked to carson and we said we wouldn't hold each other much infront of adults.

i ended up having a lot of energy and so, i asked to walk around the lake. sure, it was freezing with 5 inches of snow, but i wanted to get rid of this annoying energy that i used to walk in circles in my kitchen. so, i walk. i hear tons of kids getting their sleds to go sledding and i thought it was fun. but, i didn't have any friends. brit was at a friend's house, i didnt know where kric was, and i wasn't allowed to go to carson's. so, i was left all alone. and no, i wasnt going to trav's. i have refused to go to that house ever since a game night when his parents started acting all rude to me. i didn't care that they were drunk, because that only made me madder. so, his house was an obvious NO. so, i was all alone. no one to hang out with and isolated, again. my walk took an hour or so and it was nice. the snow was the good type. powdery but when pressed together, it was sticky so it made a good snowball.

when i got back, i just watched a little of Batman Begins and played a little DDR with the hand controller, being all bleh. carson then called, saying that this snow day sucked and that i got what i wanted, except it sucked. he knew that i was just as bored as he was, so he rubbed it in. we were in the same boat. he couldn't go anywhere since he doesn't want to travel in the cold and joe didn't pick up. i didn't say much since i was remembering the night before. he asked if i was alright and i simply said: "carson, how do you deal with me? all i ever do is make mistakes. i tried for the play and i couldn't see you much after school. and then i joined winterguard and i still couldn't see you. and because of my grades, I REALLY CAN'T SEE YOU AT ALL!!! how on earth can you deal with me?" i just had to get that out. it's been bugging me for a while and i had to know. well, he didn't answer. it was an obvious sign that i was still depressed so he spend about 20 minutes telling me that it was okay and that i should cheer up. i said i was tired and he suggested i take a nap, since he had take two already. so, i did, and i slept for 6 hours. i called carson and he took a nap too, only not as long as mine. we didn't talk much, but i said i had to get ready for bed, even though i just woke up. i didn't mean to do it, but i didn't want to talk to him. we had nothing to say and i just didn't feel like talking. so, i hung up after tellin him i had to leave and started watching tv and listening to music when nothing was on. then, at 11:30, i watched south park and then, just started walking around in circles for about an hour. and brings me to now.

the snow day that i thought would be fun turned into a nightmare. i didn't get to see carson and if i had school, i'd be able to see him and i'd be fine with that. and then since i was isolated at home, i did nothing worth while except shovel the driveway and sleeping, which wasn't worth much at all. so my wish came true: i had a nightmare.

i think that everyone wishes for a life where you don't have to think so much and everything is at your feet.... without you thinking so much. well, i can say this: I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. there are so many things that i wish could just happen for me without any effort at all and then everyone can be happy. ha ha, yeah, right.... that will never happen for me. i've been waiting for a day like that for YEARS. and is it here? no. will it come? probably not. will i complain? sure as hell! but hey, what are you gonna do about it?

well, might as well explain why i'm all, whatever..... ok. just recently, in language arts, we got this God-forbid project about this book called Life of Pi. it's not bad, but me being a teen, not a great one for me. well, we had this presentation that we had to do and then had an essay talking about the book on whatever topic we wanted. well, i didn't do so hot. my essay: 65%. my presentation: 73%. but do you know what was REALLY depressing? i got my essay back first. it lowered my grade to a 68% and then today, i get my presentation grade online (infinite campus. teacher grades go on there to tell us how we do and so they don't have to use paper to keep track of grades...) and you know what? MY GRADE ROSE. i'm not quite sure if it was good that i got a C on my presentation, but i don't care..... my dad should be grateful, i think. well, at least i'm slowly raising my grade. and from what i heard from my teacher today, we won't have much homework unless extremely easy like SAT vocab words, which everyone ALWAYS does good on. then, there's the final. since i actually AM good at language arts, i just hate the work and such, i should do fine. which means i can pull it up, plus easy homework. but still, the presentation..... i'm still not sure if i should praise it or not. well, i can still pull up my grade up some. since my grade for my essay was REALLY low, our teacher is letting us to a rewrite. although, heh heh, i need a teacher edit worth nothing. but, she said that once she tells us what we need to fix (and we do it), then she will regrade it and then post the average of the grades as our final essay grade. i already did the math and if i somehow pull off a 100%, then the highest i can get is about an 82%.... it's not as high as i hoped, but hey, it's better than a 65%.

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well, now that i said what the main topic of this little entry is about, TIME TO GO OFF-ROAD! i feel like talking about after Thanksgiving. yeah, not the greatest thing on the planet. and just for the record, i'd just like to state that every single day of that weekend, i pretty much cried every single day at least once. well, on friday, i went to the mall with carson and Joe, one of my friends. we had fun, and joe was obsessed with the Wii. they had displays out in the mall so everyone could play one of the demo games and he spent maybe an hour there. well, that made us late when my dad was to pick us up, and that got me in even more trouble, which said that i couldn't go to the double date the next day (included: me and carson, joe and Jen. they MIGHT be a new couple, but still working on it. blind). that put me in the worst mood possible. carson and joe both got worried about me while we were driving to my aunts house. we got there and taught joe how to play Texas Hold'em. then, we played against my dad and my uncle Gary. well, not for long. maybe 3 rounds and that was it.

the next day, my dad said that i could go so long as i didn't screw up the rest of the day. well, i did. we were driving to my aunts house again around noon and when me and my dad stayed in the car to talk a little, i was kinda pissed at him (although i forgot why) and all i did was stare at him. i didn't have an expression on my face, but it ticked him off and he said i couldn't go.... AGAIN!

wait, scratch that. I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED! my parents have this little issue about "plans". if we don't ahve a cookie-cut plan, i can't go anywhere. so, they were calling parents to make sure who were driving. so, here's the thing: joe's parents said that they could drive both ways, meaning taking us and picking us up. well, my parents dont believe in that. if a parent has to do both, they wont allow it. my mom even said that because of that, we shouldn't even go. so, i just said, "just leave it. they're fine with it, why can't you". so, that pissed them off..... and eventually, they got a plan. not that i got mad at THAT, it's just that when i was fine and i didn't want to change something that could cause more problems, they do it and it causes more problems. see the pattern? well, that's what happened before hand.

after my dad said i couldn't go, even after all of the calls for the plan, i had to call everyone to say i wasn't going. so, i called carson first. i wanted to tell him first because he can always cheer me up somehow and i felt he had the right to know first... he's my date. so, when i call, he got pissed off that my dad suddenly throws something like that so SUDDENLY and it was unreasonable. well, he said that he would get his mom to call my dad to talk. well, while those two parents talked on another line, carson was trying to calm me down cause i was bawling my eyes out. and then, i see him. my dad walking down here. my heart was pounding like crazy because i was so scared he was going to hit me because i asked a parent to talk to him. no, he's not abusive, i have a big imagination like that.... it was the first thing that ran through my head. well, he opened the door to the car (yes, i was still in there. i wasn't going to enter the house of relatives crying, now was i?) and said i could go. then, he left. yes, i felt better, but since my body is kind of slow at responding to those sudden happy moments, i was still crying. it took another 15 minutes to stop and carson helped a lot. so, i got to go. i could go to the date. the date was at the mall, where we have a movie theater which is REALLY convenient. then, i find out about my relatives going to the same movie at the same time as us. okay, that made me mad. i didn't show it, but i was pissed. and i planned on changing that.

when we got to the mall, we were early by about 20 minutes, so we walked around Borders. yes, the mall has a Borders. just opened this month. when they arrive, i said we should go to the 7:45 one instead of teh 7:00 because of my relatives. now, i knew that they would understand. who would want to go to a movie on a double date when 5 other relatives could be right behind you? well, we bought the tickets and i told my parents. and guess what? I GET IN TROUBLE AGAIN! my mom was getting sick and because of that, she said that she wasnt' going to wait around for 45 minutes after their movie if we went our separate ways to take me home (my parents would take me and the other three would stay). so, carson, in my perspective, got mad at me saying he couldn't take me getting in trouble like this anymore and went to talk to my dad. i felt so guilty, i practically ran to the ticket booth to ask if we could switch tickets. they said yes, so i switched mine and told the others to switch. carson asked joe to do his so he could talk to me, who happened to be sulking in a corner leaning on a wall. truth be told, i didn't want his comfort. i felt so upset that i let him down and my parents and my aunts and uncles, not to mention joe and jen. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE INVOLVED?! thats.... 1, 2.....8 PEOPLE!!!!!! well, carson came to ask what was wrong. did he not see what happened? i responded by saying "i did it again. i got you mad, my parents mad..." and he said "what are you talking about? i'm not mad" yeah, i didn't know how to respond to that. i was SURE that he was mad at me. i looked up at him, even with my just-about-ready-to-cry-some-more eyes and he looked fine. he didn't look mad at all.... well, it was either i was going insane and he didn't say that phrase, or he was just trying to cheer me up. well, in my state, i just went with i was insane. well, in 3 minutes, my eyes were back to their normal glory and joe and jen didn't know i was ready to cry. carson ate cause he was hungry and then the movie was ready to start. we went to the theater and carson wanted a soda. i went along cause for one thing, i felt i needed his company. well, he took that time to ask if i wanted anything and i said no, so he asked if i was alright. i already was in a better mood, so i smiled my happy nothing-is-wrong smile and said "i'm good!" but was really going through my head was that i screwed up and i should keep on smiling, no matter what.

then we went to the movie and guess what? almost a full house. we went to THE frond row and watched 007: Casion Royale and it was good. some parts, i closed my eyes and carson used his hand, like he always does when i don't want to see something. but what was great about the movie was that carson held my hand the entire time. i already know that he's done that at every movie we've seen as a couple, but this felt a little better. and there were moments i don't want to forget:

1) when this girl who would be bond's "lover" in character appeared, he said she was hot. being me, i whined a small one and he just smiled. and then he asked: "what, are you jealous?" and i OBVIOUSLY responded "no!". he laughed and then told me "well, i think it's cute". i could have sworn, if it weren't so dark, i blushed. and then i believe after that, my hand that he was holding was raised and he kissed it. yeah, more blushing and the extra load of butterflies.

2) now, this i'm not so sure about, but i feel like i have to say it and we came so close: we almost kissed. it may not sound so amazing, but we've never kissed and it's almost been 3 months since we've been together. i'm not complaining, but i do wish that we could kiss. just me being a girl i guess. and that i've always been curious. but we were SO close. i mean, our noses were touching, i could see his lips and when i got so curious, i moved my head just a bit and looked at his eyes. he was looking at mine. we were in that position for a while and i don't know, i suddenly reacted and smiled, then turned to the movie. and yes, more butterflies. this actually happened two or three times.

it was fun. after the movie, we left, then my dad said that he would take us home. you see? my parents can't seem to live with one parents doing the work. well, we took jen home first, then joe, then carson. it was fun. i enjoyed it a lot. of course, i got yelled at still and had to do 500 lines.... but hey, i got what i needed, right?

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well, that should be enough for tonight. things are going a little higher for me now, but chaos still exists. it's hard to get rid of it, but slowly bit by bit, everything is returning to normal. only a little bit more to go and everything will be fine. well, maybe. i have this damn cough, so now i ain't allowed coffee or soda.... well, once this passes, THEN everything is be back to it's rightful place.

"whoohooohoo! it's turkey day! and it's important because...?" that pretty much went through my head when i was, oh i don't know, 6 years old? when i learned about thanksgiving day, i thought it was so important that we would honor it like no other (except for christmas.... you can't honor it more than christmas) but when i finally realized what it was.... i was disappointed. i think it was then when i could actually think of what holiday's were. i mean, i thought christmas was just some time in the year that people just gave stuff to me.... it didn't even occur to me that EVERYONE gave gifts and got some themselves. so, by that time when i realized what turkey day was, i just realized that christmas was "GIVE ME GIFTS NOW" DAY. but, back on topic. in school, i had learned that it was created the day that the settlers and indians had a HUGE feast that lasted 3 days (quite frankly, i don't remember. so long since i've heard the story) and i thought we would celebrate in some EXTREME way.... like more gifts. idk, that must have been something like that. anyway, when i went to my aunt's house, like we did before i actually payed attention, i really looked around. all i saw was a turkey that i made out of paper in the kindergarten on the table and TONS of food that would last ME at the time.... 2 years? it was a lot. but, i had about 10 people there other than myself over the age of 35. so, i knew the food would be gone. but, when the dinner came, i thought we would be there for 3 days. i mean, that's why school lets us off for three days into the week, right? well, we said Grace, ate, and that was that. i found nothing that important through it. just a time for me to see my mom complain about being fat.... and she wonders why. lol, just kidding mom. but, still. if all we do is eat, what is important about thanksgiving?

i finally learned later on. never had i actually realized who i got to SEE. each year, i had some of my relatives from Texas come up and i hardly go down there to see them. it took me so long to realize that i was seeing people that i WANTED to see and i was missing those chances. and i mean, this was so obvious it was funny when i realized this as well: I WAS THANKFUL FOR NOT BEING IN SCHOOL! i was a kid and i never realized that i didn't have school! I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT! well, thank God that i found out soon enough!

even later on, i began seeing things that i should have been thankful for in the first place, but never actually knew it. i got a dinner so gourmet that i didn't have to pay for it (or my mom, which was always good), i got to see the parade that goes through STL which is always amazing, and other matters that i care about but can't remember because i've been so used to them i don't need to think about them that much..... which sounds weird, but makes sense to me.

and this year, i think i am the most thankful of all my years. although i am 15 and i only found the true meaning of turkey day when i was 6, i've never been so happy. I EVEN HAVE A LIST!

1. I GOT TO BE IN TEH PARADE THAT I LOOKED FORWARD TO!!! TODAY!!!!! although i didn't get to SEE it, like i always do, i got to be a PART of that parade and on TV too! it's always an honor to be a part of that. everyone looks forward to it
2. my family from texas. they came so far and they were so amazing these last days (1. for accepting Carson, 2. for letting me drive the HUGEMONGOUS truck all they way to my school to show where i go, and 3. giving me a good time while playing poker with them. YOU'D LAUGH THE SECOND THE HAND WAS DEALT!) plus, it's been great just seeing them! i hadn't seen them in a couple years. it was just my grandma last year, so i was happy to see them again!
3. food. nuff said
4. Carson. i can't even express how happy and thankful i am to have him. he's made my life fun and he's been with me when i needed him the most. i'm not even sure if i can pull anything that will surpass what he's done for me. and if i could, i'd do it. i want him to see how much i appreciate him. i want him to think of me as one of his thanks.
5. last but not least, my life. no, not on the side of suicide or anything, but everything that has happened to me. high school, meeting new friends, ect. my life includes everything because chances are, i might forget everything that i am thankful for except for those i've already listed. but i want to be happy for EVERYTHING and everything happens in my life, so this is the perfect thanks. it can hold infinite amounts of thanks in only two words.

when you really think of what there is INSIDE of the holiday, you'd be amazed. it's kind of like a donut with filling. i'm happy with the donut itself. then, when i bite into it, there's this ooey gooeyness that tastes really good. and then, it somehow finds its way to overflow, and i'm just having fun trying to not get anything messy. the holiday is great and all on the outside. food, no school, but what about the inside? when you think of EVERYTHING, it floods your mind and you see that there's more to it than the donut part.

turkey day is probably a great holiday to actually thank. christmas, you've got competition!

until a couple days ago, i never realized how chaotic my life was. and you can tell since i haven't written in 13 days.... almost two weeks. anyway, things are looking up for me and carson... except for a few days. otherwise, we're much better. there was that time when our doubts collided and he said that he might have to break up with me because he wanted to before our parents forced us. as we all know, my grades suck and he knew that lately, my grades havent been going far.... but now i'm doin better and we're fine.

the play finally ended. it was really fun except for the part about staying at school till 8 PM... THAT MEANT STAYING AT SCHOOL FOR 12 1/2 HOURS!!!! but, the show itself was awesome. we had three, november 9, 10, and 11 and we did awesome at each one! although, the friday show was probably the best. the 10th and 11th were both sold out, and i'm excited cause my friend, Rich, he got the VERY last ticket. i even had to go the office and call Miss A to not give it to anyone else because it meant a lot to carson.... however, the result wasn't the greatest. he came and all, but when we had this song called "gimme gimme (that thing called love)" he was like (from what i heard) "YOU CAN GIVE ME THAT LOVE!!!" so, that scared me some. but it was good to see him again nontheless. however.. carson said he didn't like it cause it was a musical, but i really don't care. it still did really good. i played the Mama at the VERY end of the show where everyone who came to see me didn't know where i was for 2 whole minutes because when everyone was bowing, i wasn't part of it, i was THE very last thing to happen. and i looked awesome. i'll try and get a piccy up soon, but i'm too lazy to figure out how to get the memory card connected to the computer... my dad has yet to show me that.

and right when i stopped my extreme busy schedule, I GET ANOTHER ONE! only, it's not as bad.... i'm now part of the winterguard and it rox! i've already mastered a few things that they didn't think i would get in the first month and i've only had 2 practices! not bad, right? well, we already found out the song we're going to perform on and it's Grey Street by the Dave Matthews Band. i've heard it before, though it's not one of my favorites. but, since i've never seen the winterguard perform, i have no idea what it's going to look like. i just picture it when the real band with something more upbeat. but, we'll see...

my grades have been doing good for once! before, i had like, 3 Cs, 2 Bs, and 3 As, but only because they were music... and biology. biology has become a lot easier for me, so that's good. anyway, i DID have a D in history, but it went to a C after one assignment cause i got.... 33.3% extra credit and i don't even know how! oh well. but, i still managed to pull ALL of my grades up. my spanish was a C, now a B... guitar is music, so it's an A... honors geometry was a C, now a B... Language Arts has been a B, but probably gonna go down with my essay that i haven't even done yet that due monday... Band, no comment... Biology, A... and history, was a D, and now a C. so, i pulled all of my grades up. and what's really cool is that i got praised from my history teacher! my dad emailed him asking if i could turn in a REALLY late study guide worth 50 pts (yes, REALLY bad, but deal with it cause i still pulled my grade up) and he said no. however, my teacher said that really, i'm already catching up because i do high-quality work on my things now (mainly cause i have the time), so it's been giving me sweet points earned and i've pulled my grade up nicely. so, even with 50 points missing, both my teacher and my dad are confident that i can pull my grade up to AT LEAST a nice solid B. and because of that, my parents are being nicer to me when it comes to grades and when my history is up, i can finally have plenty of time to see Carson again! problem is, right before holidays. i missed this WHOLE quarter working on my grades. i'm just happy that he can see that. he's been patient with me on this and he knows that i'm really trying hard to get my privaledges back. although, he did have doubts, but he's back to believing in me. i'm proud of myself for getting this far and showing everyone i can do it, i just need the time and work!

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alright, since this is a topic i wanna talk about, but fear it will make some of you think i'm weird cause it's sick, beware. alright, maybe not THAT sick, but it's about me being sick. i think i have the stomach flu. i've never had it, so i don't know what it's like. i usually have my mom's immune system cause she lived in a not-so-good environment, so she can handle pretty bad stuff. but anyway, during first hour, i was hungry. not bad, right? well, second hour, i go to math and do some junk, get new seats where i am the one in the corner that makes everyone claustrophobic... wish me good luck. anyway, i was there when i suddenly felt this REALLY sharp pain in my stomach while i was getting a head start on my homework. it hurt like HELL. so, i laid there staring at the ceiling for about 15 minutes. the most BORING  time the entire day. so, after that, i headed to language arts to ask for a pass to the nurse's. if you don't have one, you can't see them. so, when i got my pass and i was leaving, i see carson (because we have the same class). he asks where i'm going and i say i'm going to the nurse's. he suddenly worries about me and hugs me really tight. it felt nice and all, but i couldn't enjoy it cause my stomach was seriously in pain by then. i said that he needed to go and i needed to get to the nurse's, so he said to get well FAST, and i told him to not worry about his presentation in LA that i really wanted to see. i was hoping that i could support him , silently, but hopefully be there for him. wel, that didn't happen at all. i went to the nurse's and they said that i had no temperature, so it might just be me being REALLY hungry. they let me lie down for a while and eat some crackers, but then after 30 minutes i had to go. so, when i get to class, everyone is working on our essays. apparently, Carson and his group were the only ones to go, so i missed their's completely. i walked in and carson instantly came up to me and asked if i was alright. i said in a really happy mood so i didn't worry him that i was fine. and i was.... until lunch. lunch was right afterwards and since me and carson walk to our lockers, in the same hallway, we walked together and he kept on saying he was worried about me. he also had his little fun moment of a funny thing that happened (although my damn memory won't tell me what it was) so i stopped at his locker since we pass his first. i said i wanted lunch so i could get better and he hugged me tightly again. i left for lunch.

so, when i eat my first bite of my sandwich... i feel sick. REALLY sick. i even got mad at everyone who moved my chair even the slightest bit. so, the food i was eating made my stomach even madder. at that, i left to the nurse's again... after getting a pass from my band director. of course, while getting it, i had a funny convo with them. mrs. Renner, the percussion director and the main director, Mr. Arata were in there and when mrs. Renner was making my pass, Mr. Arata and i had a funny convo that lasted what? a minute?

Arata: "your mom is very nice"
Me: "what?"
Arata: "Your mom is nice. she called me over the weekend" (she was confused about winterguard, so she called to ask about that)
Me: "oh. wait. WHOA! When? What did she do?!"
Renner and Arata laugh

it was nothing. i forgot she had called him so i freaked out, but i knew that she had to find out about winterguard before she let me actually join it, so i was aware of what he was talking about... after a few seconds. but anyway, i left for the nurse's and i stayed there for another half hour, but that didn't help much either. although, the pain did leave for the rest of the school day...

when i got home, i had the sudden need to go on a walk, even though it was freezing like no other day when it's sunny. so i walked and i didn't get that far. i usually walk down to a path that goes around our neighborhood lake and go half way, then walk back because it's the same distance, but i only got about 50 feet away from the beginning of the path before i needed to throw up. i didn't, but i wanted to. so, i walked up and got as far as i could... which was 2 houses away from mine. at that moment, i puked in my neighbor's yard. it wasn't much, but i'm serious when i say this: that felt so good. you know how when you barf, it feels good afterwards? i think it's cause you get rid of whatever is upsetting you, and that's what i did. but, since it wasn't much, i still felt sick, so i managed to get to my house and i lied down for about an hour. it felt better, but i tol dmy mom and she said that she would buy some ginger ale. she did, and thank God she did. but, i'm doing better. however, when she asked if i had the stomach flu (and because i didn't know...) i said i had no idea. my mom told me that i might because there is a bug going around EVERYWHERE because a few of her collegues' kids have the stomach flu and i know a few students who just returned and left school from it. so, i guess i might have it. well, if i don't feel any better tomorrow (and i mean it. if i feel even the slightest bit queazy. i felt that way all day... and it made me puke. i'm not taking chances) i'm not going to school. Carson already knows, but he said his first reaction is "YAY! I GET HER DONUT!!!" because tomorrow, he brings in donuts for my zero hour class (tradition of each friday. two kids bring breakfast for everyone). but later in the day, he said he would start to worry about me. i don't want him to, so i'm going to try and go to school. but if i do feel queazy, forget about it.

i think that's enough since i need my sleep.... so later y'all!

well, i continue to be a horrible person.... but this time, since i don't really have the time, i will be brief and talk about what really been buggin me for weeks now.....

i've never said this to a soul and i want to get it out so badly. so, here goes: i feel like carson and i don't belong. no, nothing is making us mad, it's just that i always find a way to make him upset. and for me, it's been really depressing. for teh past few months, i've been with the play and now that it's only one week from show night, i've never had the time to see him other than school. like now, even though band is done and id on't have to stay for thursday night practices or the football games, i have to stay after for the play and it's really hard. the sets aren't working, the music still sounds like crap, everyone is missing their ques, the mics are still a little messed up, the lights cant seem to go "black" when it needs to, the props people don't know when to changes teh sets, and much more. everyday, i deal with the till 7PM and sometimes later. then, next week, i have to deal with that till 8PM, meaning that right now, i have 4 hours and next week, 5 hours of torture. and do you know what makes things even worse? i don't have time for homework. sure, i should be doing homework now, but needs to get off my chest before i blow. so, because of my lack of work time, my grades suffer. at the moment, i have a D- in history, a C or worse in math, and i just took my biology test today, though i'm sure my homework that i ACTUALLY completed helped in some way. so, until the play is up, my life is topsy-turvy and it's hurting me and carson. just today, he called me when we were dropping brittany off because we're both in the play, but she's crew. he asked how i was because he has known about this since this morning and that i was depressed. i said i was alright so that my mom and brit didn't worry, but then when they left and i was left in the car in a closed garage, i started doubting myselft. i knew things weren't right and that's why i said we should be together. this little incident here, my grades, this is the THIRD time i've done it and we haven't been going out for more that 2 months! and when my parents find out my grades are bad, that means that i get a lecture and then they end by saying "well, maybe you will do better. till then, you can't see carson". talk about ending it on a light note. so, when my grades are below a B, meaning a B- or lower, then i can't see carson. he knew that too, so i don't see why he called me today and asked if i wanted to go on a date with him. he knew that i couldn't and besides, i had play practice, then i was gonna probably stay up all night doing homework so i can be free. but then again, free to do what? i can see my friends, just not carson. and carson seems to be the only one who is free and bored. wel, he wanted to go tomorrow, and i truly wanted to go. but, the chances of me going are none to never. after i hung up, well, more like my phone died on me, i cried a little. i knew that this was hurting us and i wanted it to stop. sure, there was get my grades up, but trying to pull up a D is hard and will take time. i don't have that time.

i can't be with carson. all i ever do is pull him down and make him disappointed in me. and to think, on halloween, we were at a small party infront of a bonfire, just having random talk and girls beating up ben.... but, he told me that the reason he loved to be with me was because it was fun, we make each other laugh (though, that's a lie. he makes me laugh. i never hear him laugh from something i said), and this time we spend together is nice. and what did i say? i said "you are the only person to truly make me happy inside." HOW GAY IS THAT? i dont care if it sounds romantic. the truth is, all he said was what i felt inside. and yes, he is the first to make me feel happy, but the reason i didn't say is, "you care for me, even when it could risk our relationship". i wasn't gonna say that infront of everyone, although no one was really listening, but i couldn't. and for another thing, i don't know if that's how he really feels for me. i don't know if he is willing to stay with me when it could me we can't be together hardly at all. i don't know if he is willing to help me when i refuse it. lol sometimes, being my little crazy self and thinking of cute, romantic scenarios. and lately, because i planned on writing this for a while, i thought of someone finding my site (cause i posted it on facebook but too lazy to take off.... and it's cool to have a site) and read this entry, then tell carson. i only want that because of my fear. i'm too afraid to come clean and tell him of this. i'm too afraid of what he'll say or how he'll feel when he reads that dumb first paragraph. there are so many uncertainties that i don't think i should even be posting this, yet i feel like this is my only outlet. my life has been so baracaded that i can hardly stand it. my mom is always prying her way into my life, like saying that i can't get on the computer until she knows my password to everything i log onto (this is true.... it's sad, isn't it?) and asking if me and carson have kissed yet and even when i don't answer, she starts by saying that we can't have sex (which is dumb cause i want to be a virgin till i get married). my friends are all in their own worlds and not many notice that i'm depressed except for brittany, which is nice. and then carson. he always notices. i don't want him to worry. if you read an entry a few posts ago with the blue in it from an IM i had with him, it says that he doesn't want me stressing over something he should handle. well, now we switched places. i don't want him to worry about me when it's something i should handle. lol this reminds me of those depression medicine commercials. and they ALWAYS say: "who does depression hurt? everyone...." this is true. people notice and they can't stop thinking of what is making that person depressed. oh, if only carson knew.....

simple as that. well, i guess not really, but in words, yes. anyway, wanna know what's gone on in the last 11 days? chaos.....

i'll start by saying homecoming, which was on the 14th.... yes, i'm pathetic. but, one of the two only dances that freshmen get to go to. i was happy that i went, and especially with carson. it was really funny. my dad came home from omaha for the weekend just to go to a party, but hey, he got to drive me to my first official high school dance. what's even funnier was what carson wore. a week or so before hand, i showed carson what i was gonna wear cause he was being a butt, and i couldn't seem to say no. anyway, it was a nice black dress that was modest, but hot:

see? i love it. the problem was, carson said it was too black. well, i did wear that pretty necklace up there and i even had some rhinestones around the top of the dress.... but guess what he wore?

BLACK. although, being a teenage girl, i'm gonna say this briefly.... i thought he looked hott. but, that's me.... anyway, now you know what he looks like. whoopdy-doodle-doo. well, my great aunt and my godmother purposely came over to my house to see us, so you can picture how embarassed i was. i mean, my aunt thought it was normal to wear hose to a dance! i think NOT!  well, we spent a while there, then we headed to the dance. it was COLD. and when we get inside.... LOTS OF PEOPLE!!! so, you can figure it's hot. well, to me at least. anyway, we get inside and we see tons of people, especially ones that we know. however, we did see carson's friend, rich, who is from another school. so, he tries to get in and it doesn't work. so, carson get's kinda angry about that.

then, bobby's turn to ruin some of the night. earlier in the week, he learned that kharma really exists because he went to 7 11 with carson and joe and some other people and he stold cheetos. so wanna know what happens? the first time: his iPod was stolen. second time: his jacket AND his wallet with his dance ticket in it was stolen. see the pattern? well, Dani, a friend of mine, found teh wallet, but he was too lazy to get off his stupid ass to come to the dance, and he even had a date with Krissy! she came and got inside, but carson was really pissed. two of his friends who were supposed to come didnt, so that pissed him off A LOT. when he found out about bobby, he walked away, then punched one of those poles inbetween the double doors, and i heard it CLING! it somewhat scared me, because truthfully, i've only seen him angry once and it was at James's party. even that time, he was trying to control himself SO MUCH.... i was scared of what would happen here.

luckily, things lightened up. at first, he didn't dance at all. i was with a lot of my girlfriends like Jenn and Melissa, so we had a fun time dancing while standing right infront of teh speakers, but finally, i think, a slow song came up, and carson agreed to it. i took that time to ask if he was alright and like he always does, he said he was gonna be fine. i really liked that moment, even though it was our second slow dance. the first was in eighth grade, when he swore he would dance with just about all the girls in our grade, which he ALMOST accomplished, he just never got to Darcy.... lol. but, after that, he danced a lot more and even went to the state where my friends said he was crazy, which also included his singing..... so tonedeaf! but, things lightened up a lot and it was so much fun.

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a lot of other things happened, but i'm trying to get some homework done, so i'll try to write tomorrow, if not, i got some serious writing to do later. if i have the time, i might prewrite everything during school so i don't have to think of what to write. i'm pretty fast at typing when something is already written, so that shouldn't be bad at all.....

i'm quite sure that everyone has felt worthy of something, then unworthy of something. i know i have. many say that one day, kharma's gonna bite me in teh butt because of all of this luck i happen to get. for example: i didn't do all of my homework. it was two pages and LOTS of it. so, today, i had to turn in a homework assignment. i had no idea what, but all i knew was, i didn't finish it. and you know what? it was the page that i DID finish. see? kharma's coming after me. i was UNWORTHY of that, but then again, i failed my math quiz before that, so i guess that was put out of my misery. you see? stupid stuff that happens to me all comes from my unworthiness. i mean, i don't deserve food when i forget my money, but people always give me food because they pity me, and i almost get a whole meal's worth! but today, i think kharma pretty much bit off 3/4 of my butt....

today was the powderpuff game. it's where the guys and girls exchange places when it comes to football. the girls play, the boys cheer. and dont worry, i wasn't part of it since it's only juniors and seniors... same for the guys. well, after play practice, i was able to go to the game and i met up with Chris, Carson, Joe, and Sam. and i'll just say this really fast, but i think i'm beginning to have more guy friends than girls. the past years, i was AFRAID of boys... remarkable, right? anyway, we met up, had a little fun with walking around, then we met up with James. so, during the game, we watched a little, then headed up to teh shelf. the shelf is a little platform above the old gym (kinda like a balcony, if you think about it) where they have the wrestling mats. so, a lot of the guys played football with those soft cushiony balls and it turns out a lot of other guys were there. also, some black guys were there (if i sound racist, i'm sorry, but i can't seem to change my words... i don't know how to. only way to describe them to me.... how i grew up). well, we had some fun watching them play football and after a small break, one guy came up to me and i knew instantly that he was gonna flirt with me. i mean, his eyes gave it away. so, RIGHT when he was about to talk, i pointed to carson and said "boyfriend". he looked at carson and he was walking up to us saying "get away, dawg", so he flew! it was really funny. so after that, we had to leave cause we thought the teachers were coming and would tell us to leave.... anyway, we decided to just walk around a little more and since the pep rally was beginning, we would go there. it was located at the new gym, and it was CROWDED. we didn't go inside cause i was still drinking a sprite i had bought and hardly any seats were still open. so, we watched all of the performances at the door. suddenly, carson got quiet.

we were watching teh golden line (they are dancers... really good ones) and he came up to me and stood behind me. i found nothing wrong with that. then, when teh golden guys came up (they were teh cheerleaders for teh powderpuff), they had "chains hang low" going and i started to sing to it. that's when i noticed something was up. carson snapped at me to not sing. we used to sing all the time, especially this song. in fact, just today in spanish, he stole emily's stuffed penguin and made it do "chains hang low"! so, why did he snap at me? he had this straight-forward and serious, yet expressionless face on and because he and i know i'm gullible, i knew i couldn't guess what his real feelings were at the moment. so, i began asking if he was alright. he said he was just hurt cause he hurt his biceps from the football on the shelf. i took that for a while, but he didn't cheer up at all. he stayed the same. so, constantly, i kept on asking if he was alright. i think he got annoyed by that.

when teh pep rally was over, we sat down for a while and me and joe were trying to cheer carson up. carson ALWAYS laughs when joe is around, but he didnt this time. i seriously thought something was wrong, so i wanted to go deeper. we met with jenn and i had to get my backpack from my locker. once agian, the doors were locked, so i had to get a janitor to open it for me. luckily, it was sue. YAY SUE! so, we walked for a bit, got my stuff and then we wanted to go back to the gym, but carson went outside, in the cold. i told jenn that i was gonna follow him for a while. she wanted to know why since i was her best friend, and i said that i was worried about carson and he was acting strange. she said okay to that, so i followed him. we were at the front of the school and he sat on a bench. i stood up at him as he was staring at the sky, then sat down. i wanted to make this serious and quiet, so i whispered everything i said and hoped that he knew i was worried. and you know what he said? "dont worry about me, worry about yourself". we had this conversation before and i was tired of him saying htat. i knew i should have said this to his face, but what i was screaming was: "CARSON! THIS IS A TWO WAY RELATION! IF YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG AND MEET ME HALFWAY, THIS WONT GO ANYWHERE!" i really wanted to say that, but i felt that i would give him some time. however, he just wouldn't open up. well, it's not like i expected that to happen, cause guys are always like that, but this was becoming ridiculous. we felt pretty cold, so we decided to go to the gym. when we got there, jenn and another cheerleader were talking to gary. he is someone from the play and was in OnStage!. really good singer. anyway, they wre talking and i joined a few times, but i also had to worry about carson. he was on the other side of the lobby of the gymnasium and i felt that i should go over there and make sure he was alright. well, when i sat down, i kept staring at him. i thought i could figure out what was wrong, but he only got annoyed. he asked why i kept staring at him and i responded by staying "how can i not?" lame, right? well, he sat up and just kinda sat there. i left for a little bit because a girl needed a cell phone and i lent her mine, so i showed her how to work it, since it was really small and in chinese. anyway, after that, i once again asked if he was alright. and here's a little paraphrase of what our mini conversation was:

Me: are you alright?
carson: yes, now stop asking
Me: well, i can't tell if you are alright! how am i supposed to know?
carson: by trusting me more

that hurt me. it's not like HE hurt me, but more like I hurt ME. i didn't realize until now that i was acting like i didn't trust him. i never wanted that to happen, but in 5 seconds, i realized that i really didn't trust him like i should have. i felt that he needed some time away from me, since i also felt a little clingy, so i whispered "fine" and left to talk to jenn and gary. it was interesting. i learned that stefan, my friend's brother, was a crappy singer and a horrible dancer when he joined as a freshman. but now that he's a senior, he's improved so much that now, he's one of teh best dancers of OnStage! also, i learned that Miss A, her actors for the play were crappy. it turns out that whenever musicals appear, most singers start to audition for the plays, and normally get pretty good parts because they actually do need to sing. but for some reason, miss a only chose those who could ACT to have the good parts and all the really good singers were stuck in ensemble. and all during that whole time, carson was alone, walking around reading some things on the walls. he did that for about 20 minutes. when my mom finally came, we sat in the back, me in teh middle so i was next to jenn and carson. we had a weird conversation saying that parents dont listen cause i said something over and over again and my mom still had no idea what a powderpuff game was, or i think that was the topic. i forget. anyway, it went on like that. when we dropped jenn of, we talked more about the game and what we did, then carson left. but this was also different. we didn't hug like we normally did. i missed it so badly, it depressed me a lot. whats worse is, that was only an hour ago.

now, if you didn't know why this topic is unworthiness, it's the fact that i don't think i am worthy of being carson's girlfriend. it could be the other way around, but what have i done for him? he's helped me TONS on my homework, kept me warm when i was cold, encouraged me to actually work harder, payed for me a lot, endures ALL of my annoying noises and talks, and has made my day more than i care to count now. ooh, we can't forget laughs! he makes me laugh so much, i can't breathe anymore after that! but me, i can't say much. maybe all i do is provide an armrest, maybe keep him warm if he's EXTREMELY cold, and maybe annoy him till he bleeds. what has that done? especially that last one... you see? i don't think i deserve him at all. he said he liked me and i said i liked him too. then, why does it seem that whenever i do something, he doesn't like it? he knows me too well. i mean, he knew what to do for our anniversary and i loved it, even though i didn't eat much. and what did i do? nothing. he knows what i like and what i don't like, so he keeps me away from those things i hate. what me? i don't know what he likes or doesn't like. see what's going on? i know NOTHING. i feel that because of this, why do i have him? i'm sure that someone with more brains or someone who can make him laugh would be perfect for me, and i don't fit either of those. i suck at school and i have issues with making him laugh. i even remember when i asked what he liked about me, he said i made him laugh. then how come when i'm around him, he doesn't laugh unless joe is there? what's the truth?

well, once again, i really cant name anything, and i really have nothing that serious to talk about. i mean, i think this morning while i was taking my shower i did, but then.... it went POOF... i'm so good at remembering stuff....

anyway, so far, life is fantastic and a nightmare. me and carson: going great. however, he scared me half to death when he wasn't at the bus stop this morning and didn't come to school on time... we have 0 hour together and he wasn't there. i was scared that he got sick, but halfway through the class, he walked in and says "sorry, i needed my sleep".... that was annoying. but, it was relieving for me. so, the class went on, being bored and learning something that didn't need more work (for me and maybe carson), Nick making everyone laugh (more on that later) and then we left 7 minutes early (the school doesn't keep track, just so long as we dont leave EXTREMELY early... unless it's a test and then we leave. i got to leave 23 minutes before the bell!). i met carson outside the door and we walked off to change our books like normal. well, i guess. today, i think, he was holding me tighter than normal, and i liked it. yesterday's conversation was really good and i think it helped both of us. i know that he cares so much about our relationship and he will protect me. me, i just feel like an idiot. i can't help him much no matter how much i want to and he just keeps on saving me ass. i WANT to be of some help, whenever he needs it, but i don't know when or how when that happens. all i truly know is that i've never been happier to be with him. and to think, those thoughts went through my head in a matter of 5 seconds. lol it took me what? 2 minutes to write all that? ha ha! i'm pathetic. anyway, on with the school day! we walked to class and we parted our ways when we came to my guitar class (our classes are in the same halls, so we go to my class, we hug our hugs, then he goes to history). and then i learned that our speaker wasn't coming.... HOW CRAPPY IS THAT?! so, we ended up just playing junk in our books. really, nothing special except we learned stuff on the I, IV, and V chords. lol i envy Mary for taking musical theory already. i am actually thinking of taking that later on. anyway, things were good, but luke and jordan were bugging me, the normal way.

then math.... not cool. i got my quiz back and i did horrible. of course, apparently so did a lot of other people. the quiz was harder than all of our homework and any other quiz we have ever taken. so, you can guess what i got.... hey, it was above 50% at least! anyway, it was crap and we went over pretty much ALL the questions i got wrong, so that kinda sucked, yet helped, but still sucked. then, we had pretty much a do anything day. i learned that a kid named sean was writing a story and wanted it published. kinda like me, only i suck at FINISHING them... i have great storylines, perfect characters, and my friends say i am a great writer, it's just that i have issues with finishing them. i am horrible at short stories. my short stories are like, 4-8 pages (college-ruled paper, double sided, so that's a lot) and if i were to write a regular long story, let's see..... 3 notebooks? yeah, that sounds right. i write that much. everything i write is very elaborate and for some reason, i get stuck in the middle because (from what i am guessing), i don't have enough experience to actually finish whatever it is. like, i don't know how to solve a missing crime where the victim is just there to sing in a competition and i don't know what it's like to be in an arranged marriage and i don't know so many things, it drives me insane. anyway, all i did during that math period was write a little more on a poem. i think it'll be a rap, to be more precise, but not quite sure. if i can get carson to rap it, then it's a rap. he's my chinese rapper, so i gotta see if he likes it.

language arts, i finally got my book. it turns out that yesterday, when everyone got their books (if they bought it through the school. they pay the money, the school buys it FOR them), i was the only one on that list that didn't get a book. either miss a missed me somehow, or the order was screwed. either way, i didn't get my book. so, i got it today and i heard my teacher's dramatic story to get my book. after school, when she could leave, she went to the hospital to see a friend and then had to go across town to a Border's (where they bought the books) to get another, then drive once again across the town to get home. lol she did all that for me. i am truly one of her students! well, this class was rather dull as well. all we did was read our book, Life of Pi. i got so far to where a lot of us were making fun of this one part where Pi, a guy when he was young, saw his swim teacher strip infront of him to go swimming. a lot of us misunderstood that as if he liked it. it made a lot of us laugh.

then lunch, then band. rather dull except IT WAS HORRIBLE. our band director, arata, wasn't there, so we had my guitar teacher (who also helps with band, mainly the drum line and pit), renner, manage our practice. she had no idea what to do other than we should clean it up and take it one page at a time. that was hard. she had issues with telling us WHERE to go when we had to start over. it was annoying and the class seemed like it took forever.

then biology. wow. dull yet important. we did nothing but study for our quarter final. i know i should have studied, but i just slept. really, my teacher doesn't even care because he believes that if i miss anything, i miss it and should be smart enough to find out what it was. well, you cant really miss anything when you study except for study time. i don't study (i guess that's why i suck at school. go figure), but i looked at all that i REALLY needed, like the junk on the review sheet that i truly had absolutely no idea of. so, after that, i slept. i guess that wasn't smart cause right now, i have a C+ and if i don't get that up, i can't go to homecoming. i need to go cause carson already bought the ticket for the both of us and the only way to get my grade up is this and to find out why my lab that i turned in didn't get a grade.... that's just annoying...

history.... nothign important other than i need to turn in a late assignment this friday before it's too late.... sad, right?

alright. i said that i would talk about Nick from spanish. well, here's teh prologue: this week, since it's homecoming and the last week of the quarter, we have these spirit days:

Monday - STOPLIGHT DAY (wear green if you've got a date for homecoming, yellow if you are just going or thinking about it, red if you're not going at all)
Tuesday - 80's DAY (really dumb. dress like you're in the 80's)
Wednesday - SUPERHERO DAY (dress like your superhero)
Thursday - PAJAMA DAY (nuff said. i really cant wait for this one!)
Friday - SPIRIT WEAR DAY (wear gold and/or purple)

so, today was superhero day and nick was dressed as a girl. it was either Miss A or a superstar... one or the other. it was so hilarious! he comes in and all of us think it's a girl who overdressed, but no! it was nick. dude! he even had the boobs to go along with it! he had teh wig, the hose, the HIGH HEELS, the hat, the scarf, IT WAS AMAZING! so, when it came to play practice, that was even funnier! nick plays the second leading roll of Thoroughly Modern Millie, our musical, as Jimmy. so, before that, we have our little meeting talking about random stuff that needs talking about. so, when it comes to next semester's play, we are planning to do Hamlet. Miss A asks if any boys who are SURE that they want to audition for that would stand up. about 10 guys stood up, then one girl named Nick stood up. so many in there didn't realize it was nick, till everyone started to laugh and explained it to them. so, as a joke, miss a said "ya know what, i think i found out (girl in teh play, but i forgot her name) for the play". that was funny because after she said that, he start jumping up and down and clapping. no one could control their laughter! i wish i had my camera, but i think someone has the picture. WHO WOULDN'T HAVE A PICTURE OF HIM AS A GIRL?!

anyway, play was okay. we went through the entire first act, but me and ANOTHER nick, we were messing around with each other (not sexual, for those who think that way, i mean he would steal my soda and i would chase him cause i wanted my sprite back) and then we came to a janitor. she was really nice and we talked for a half hour. and in that half hour, i learned more than i could in geometry for an hour. her name is Sue and she was 60 years old. she told us her working conditions for being a janitor. it was creepy. she's 60 years old and she works from 3-11:30 PM. PM! plus, she has a family and a really cute dog! and she's always here when us students aren't.... then i learned a lot about nick. he also has a dog and two cats, one who's fat and teh other's skinny. well, we talked more, and it was really fun. then, we realized that we had to figure out where they were in the play. we weren't needed at the time, so that's why we had that long talk. then, when we arrived back, we realized we were needed and we missed it. i was lucky cause i wasn't really that important in that number, but nick was, so he got in a little trouble. but, we got away with it, especially me.

well, today was really cold and windy. so, when we had to leave, me and emily (a friend who lives across teh street from carson, lol) had to go on teh bus. it was rainging a little and teh wind, unimaginable. so, when teh bus came, i was so happy. THE BUS WAS FREAKING WARM!!!! well, other than me and em, another kid was on. we were talking a lot with each other, saying how she and carson SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING THEIR ESSAYS A WEEK AGO, but now that they need to work on them, they're due tomorrow. they have a 5 paragraph essay on Andrew Jackson due tomorrow and both only had an intro and that was it just yesterday! thank GOD i'm in regular history. anyway, we talked a lot about homecoming too. she's not going to be here on friday, so she needs to buy her ticket tomorrow or else she cant come, so i said if she forgets, i'll buy it for her, she'll just owe me back.

after a bus ride home, brit arrive at the EXACT same time as the bus, which was really funny. so, we talked and i said i would come over to see her dresses that she bought. well, one was this UGLY brown/orange that was WAY too low-cut. so, i said no. then, she brought out this REALLY pretty black strapless dress (but had teh little ties that tie behind teh neck) and even though she looked like a fairy, i said to make it funny so i could wear it really fast, "brit, you don't look like a fairy. you look like a goth pixie." yeah, that didn't help, but we switched dresses. they said i looked good in her dress and brit looked mature in my dress. so, i suggested that we switch. well, that didn't work out either. oh well. i still like my own dress, so i'm good.

well, that was my day. nothing phillosohpical to say... if that makes sense at all. anyway, i wonder what will happen tomorrow, especially since my quarter final and my math test that could determine if my dad kills me or not are gonna happen tomorrow.... i'm scared. well, i hope things work out, cause that wouldn't be good if they didn't. which just right now makes me think of yesterday's conversation. carson said my grades weren't hot, and they aren't, but he said that could cause us to not see each other that much. i don't want that to happen, so wish me good luck. i need this to be with him.

ok, i guess i'll start on yesterday, since i forgot to write. it was normal, except for one thing. IT WAS ME AND MY BF'S ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY! lol i remember that when i walked through the doors of the school, since my friend's mom was giving me a ride, he was trying to call me since we had what? 4 minutes to get to class? well, he was RIGHT next to the door and he didn't see me.... i just love it when he does that. it's so funny. well, i jumped him and we hugged. then, because in a chat we had a couple of days ago, he wanted to get me something. so, when he was typing "maybe i'll buy you dinner or something", i IMMEDIATELY posted BEFORE him, i said "buy me twinkies, and i'm good" so, guess what i got? HERSEY'S KISSES! he gave me 30 and about half were gone by lunch time.... obviously, i was hungry. and i promised brit that i would give her ONE kiss, so she got that one, at 6 PM. do you know how hard it is to NOT eat that one, simple, little kiss for more than 2 hours?! well, it was fun. we actually rode in the same car and when we dropped brit off, we talked to my mom for a little and i told her about our anniversary. so, with lots of convincing, she let us go to applebee's together. it was around 6:30, so we had plenty of time. when we got there, it was completely empty, kinda. i mean, i know it was a weekday and i know it was late, but i kinda expected more people there. but then again, i was happy not many were there. to me, it was kinda our first date. i really can't say that since we've been to a lot of places together, with and without friends. i even remember the week before he asked me out, we went to see the Wicker Man together. lol, he even has the ticket from that day! well, back on topic. since it was, to me, our first date, i wasn't quite used to going around as a couple. i mean, we walked in with his arm around my shoulder (yes, i did get used to it) and all of the sudden, a lot of people just stared at us. it was hard enough to get used to the school looking at us, but the school is bigger than a small restaurant and i felt weird just in there. it made me quiet and the lady that was escorting us, i believe, was thinking it was cute. cause, to be truthful, we are short. people think i am so young that i have been called 12 (however, before i got my hair dyed. now, i look a little older... with the attitude factor in there) and carson (i'm getting tired of saying "my boyfriend") is short as well. we are two, short, chinese people walking into applebee's. just picture it. well, when we ate, i was once again amazed at carson's eating. we went to the mall one time and he just had this HUGE subway sub and it had everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, on there. THE PEOPLE COULDN'T EVEN CLOSE IT! well, same happened yesterday. he got a fajita and he filled each tortilla with so much stuff, it was no longer a fajita, it was a soft taco.... and he complained that he wanted a fajita.... well, i had just a small portion of chicken fingers, since i wasn't that hungry. carson even complained that i should have told him, but i didn't tell him that i wanted really badly to go with him. it was gonna be weird if we didn't do anything together on our one month other than him giving me chocolate, if you get my drift. well, we had a good time and he said he would pay for me, but he was gonna make me pay for the homecoming ticket, the jackass.... but it was nice enough for the dinner, so i'm fine. anyway, we walked out of applebee's and since it's part of this really big Dierburg's plaza, we walked to Dierburg's (if you don't know what that is, go look it up... it's a grocery store). it was REALLY nice outside, even for 7:50 PM and we walked at this really slow pace. it's really funny when you think about it because just today, brit and my best friend jenn brought up how when i'm with him, we walk REALLY slowly. well, he's the one that sets the pace, since he's too big for me to push him. anyway, it was really nice out, but i was still cold. so, when we walked into dierburg's, it was even colder. but, he wasn't of any help, so we kinda walked around, looking at stuff for maybe a minute or less. then, he said he wanted to get me a flower. i did tell him that i love roses, so we walked to the florist in Dierburg's and we say that a bouquet was $17 and one was $1.37 or something, then we thought of the wrist thingies that girls wear and the flower's that guys wear to homecoming and prom. we needed those. so, we, i mean I, walked to the lady and asked how to get one. she said you have to order. then, we asked how much they were..... the guy's thing was $20 and the girl's was $17..... automatic NO. 1) we didn't have the money yet and 2) simply no. it was really expensive, but i really am thinking of buying one anyways. i thought something small like that would be nice. after all, my dress from homecoming is only black with a bunch of rimestones at the top (i'll get a picture later...) and a small, red or white flower would really look nice.

wow, that was a really long one. i didn't expect it to be that way. oh well. well, today was fine. i'm doing okay in my classes, carson got a little pissed cause he thought he wouldn't be able to eat outside since we thought it would rain, then play practice came. for some reason, i was in a pissy mood. i kinda got mad at everything, but especially at one point. we were gonna work on a few numbers for the play and kelsey, our choreographer, was having issues with talking to us since a lot of people were talking while she was was trying to teach us stuff. so, after she taught us the basics, we went into the halls to clean it up. then, the people she gave charge to came down hard on us. she said that she didn't ever want to hear us talk because now that kelsey was yelling a lot, she is beginning to lose her voice. so, after that, i didn't want to piss them off and i didn't want anyone to piss me off. otherwise, practice was good.

okay, this was just going on for the last.... hour.... but i was talking to carson. he seemed to be really stressed, but he said some really nice things.... and i just have to put them up on here! well, it's really long, but i'll try to get rid of all the dumb stuff..... also, the sn's have been altered, so don't bother writing to them..... won't work.

latte my kitty (8:31:30 PM): ...... did i tell you that i'm beginning to worry about you again?
Chineserapper009 (8:31:38 PM): yea
Chineserapper009 (8:31:48 PM): i no
Chineserapper009 (8:32:05 PM): dont worry bout me just worry bout urself let me worry bout the both of us
latte my kitty (8:32:21 PM): .... that's not gonna help your case
Chineserapper009 (8:32:54 PM): yea well it helps urs
Chineserapper009 (8:33:15 PM): let me go crazy thinkin
latte my kitty (8:34:05 PM): look, i'm worrying about you whether or not you want me to. i really wanna help, so stop saying i should care for myself cause right now, that sounds selfish and i don't want that
Chineserapper009 (8:34:45 PM): yea i no it sounds selfish but i just dont want u gettin hurt bc of me
Chineserapper009 (8:35:13 PM): i care bout u
latte my kitty (8:35:44 PM): normally, i would say "awww!! that's so sweet and cute!", but i feel like arguing and i found myself something to argue about
Chineserapper009 (8:36:03 PM): u always find somethin to argue about
Chineserapper009 (8:36:16 PM): but i can argue about nethin but dont look for it
latte my kitty (8:36:47 PM): 1) i've already been hurt, mentally and physically, so, i feel immune and 2) you're already piled with responsibility, so shut up
Chineserapper009 (8:37:04 PM): yea a whole lot of it
Chineserapper009 (8:37:45 PM): i just worry if uget too involved and somethin might hurt us
latte my kitty (8:38:06 PM): .... i just gotta say it:
latte my kitty (8:38:12 PM): AAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chineserapper009 (8:38:25 PM): ok ok tats it wit the wahs
latte my kitty (8:38:41 PM): ... that an "aww"... not a "wah"....
latte my kitty (8:39:22 PM): i'm saying aww cause that was just so cute! and i think it's great that you care a lot about our relationship, but don't overdo it....
latte my kitty (8:39:51 PM): that wouldn't be cool if you took too much responsibility and got too stressed....
Chineserapper009 (8:40:09 PM): well im already stressed
latte my kitty (8:40:26 PM): and do you want to get MORE stressed?
latte my kitty (8:40:29 PM): i think NOT!
Chineserapper009 (8:40:30 PM): i need a massage to loosen me up
latte my kitty (8:40:46 PM): lol. i would give one, but i suck and i think your dad is better....
Chineserapper009 (8:41:29 PM): yea i need alot of pressure i got real tense muscles
Chineserapper009 (8:42:16 PM): well dont worry bout me too much
Chineserapper009 (8:42:22 PM): ull start stressin out like me
latte my kitty (8:42:25 PM): HOW CAN I NOT!
latte my kitty (8:43:23 PM): if you care about me a lot, i have to return that by caring about you and now that we're bf/gf, i care about you so much that if ANYTHING bad goes on, i wanna know what and i feel like i need to help, in some way or another!
Chineserapper009 (8:44:33 PM): i appreciate u helpin and i want u to help but if somethin goe wrong or bad i dont want it to affect us
Chineserapper009 (8:45:03 PM): even if we werent bf/gf itll still b the same
Chineserapper009 (8:45:12 PM): i no u too well
latte my kitty (8:45:19 PM): ..... true....
latte my kitty (8:45:38 PM): well, tell me what could possibly go wrong...
Chineserapper009 (8:45:49 PM): and seein u get hurt or in trouble well.....lets just say i ll feel bad
Chineserapper009 (8:45:58 PM): well one ur grades arent lookin so hot
latte my kitty (8:46:05 PM): ...
Chineserapper009 (8:46:27 PM): and if tat goes on who nos wen our parents wont lets us b wit each other
Chineserapper009 (8:46:46 PM): ive thought through this pretty thoroughly and still in the back of my mind
latte my kitty (8:47:05 PM): .... you think too much
Chineserapper009 (8:47:20 PM): i no....
latte my kitty (8:48:56 PM): LEARN TO NOT THINK. look, if you don't think about a few things, chances are, you won't be so nervous unless you do something stupid like COMPLETELY forget about it. all i'm saying is that you shouldn't think things through so much. if you start thinking that seriously, then those thoughts will haunt you and wont go away, which is just as bad as them actually happening.
latte my kitty (8:50:01 PM): ooh, if i start talking nonsense, just tell me
latte my kitty (8:50:08 PM): i'm in my rambling mood....
Chineserapper009 (8:50:32 PM): well they have haunt me and it wasnt fun but....well uve seen me have fun u no how nonthinkin i can b at parties
latte my kitty (8:53:13 PM): lol yeah. but still. you've had WAY too many chances to think... and you've taken tham all. i know i'm not the best at giving advice of any sort, but quite honestly, i just don't want you to think of something that could hurt us. just, don't think about that
Chineserapper009 (8:53:51 PM): u no ive even thought bout this talk b4 i started
latte my kitty (8:54:20 PM): ... EXACTLY! DON'T THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS!!!
Chineserapper009 (8:54:25 PM): i wondered if i continued to talk like this u might break up wit me 
latte my kitty (8:54:37 PM): NO! DON'T THINK THAT WAY!
Chineserapper009 (8:54:40 PM): so i tried to avoid these talks bc of tat
latte my kitty (8:54:59 PM): carson, let's get one thing straight:
latte my kitty (8:55:45 PM): I'M A GIRL. girls have to know how someone feels or else, especially in my case, i have no idea how a person thinks or ANYTHING.
latte my kitty (8:56:43 PM): talks like these actually give me an IDEA of where we are, and it tells me how much you really care about me, and it's a lot right now. and i really appreciate that and it makes me happy to know that
Chineserapper009 (8:57:23 PM): well...i can tell how much u care bout me by askin me all this
Chineserapper009 (8:57:40 PM): i just dont want u to worry bout me
latte my kitty (8:57:47 PM): ..............
latte my kitty (8:58:20 PM): do i have to repeat myself? well, i will anyways: HOW CAN I NOT WORRY ABOUT YOU!!!!!!
Chineserapper009 (8:58:54 PM): just dont.....do u like think bout me all the time?
latte my kitty (9:01:42 PM): course i do. well, i admit, not every singly moment of my day, but i do think about you a lot.... and lately, i keep wondering if you're gonna be okay. i mean, even today you said you weren't gonna act yourself for a while, then you'd have to FIND yourself, then you'll be yourself again... and you said that it could take a while. mainly when my mind isn't thinking on something at that exact moment, that's when i think....
latte my kitty (9:02:58 PM): if that sounds weird, i'm sorry....
Chineserapper009 (9:03:07 PM): no it makes sense
latte my kitty (9:04:31 PM): h/o dad
Chineserapper009 (9:04:46 PM): .......................
latte my kitty (9:04:56 PM): hey,he called me
Chineserapper009 (9:05:01 PM): ...................
latte my kitty (9:06:24 PM): alright.... no! like i said, i'm a girl and being me, i need to know something DIRECTLY infront of me to know what's going on.... and if you haven't noticed, reading minds really isn't one of my talents.....
Chineserapper009 (9:07:21 PM): well readin gurls minds r "really easy" to understand
Chineserapper009 (9:07:35 PM): u gurls r complicated
latte my kitty (9:08:07 PM): amazingly, you can read mine perfectly!
latte my kitty (9:08:17 PM): even with my brain not totally together!
Chineserapper009 (9:08:17 PM):