i'm sure that most of my posts are about my life being so confusing for me and that i can't control anything bad that comes my way. you wanna know why? it's because i can't. every time i do something that i think is fine and won't hurt me, i'm wrong and i end up hurting myself, someone else, or the both of us. i can't seem to make things meet ends. well, i guess that saying is true: "the only thing that stays constant is change". it's really amazing how many times just this year have made me think i can't handle anything anymore. there was my homework, having a boyfriend while juggling homework, handling winterguard and homework, not fighting with my mom and all..... so many. well, time to add another! woohoohoo!

i've had a horrible time as of late with my best friend that i've known since kindergarten, but have been closest friends since the 3rd grade. i pretty much ruined it because i wanted to spend time with carson. so, here's the story. about a week ago, i said i might be able to make it to my bff's basketball game because she would be cheering. well, after school, i said i would be at the math club with carson. it turned out taht we also got free pizza, and in the end, had 10 pieces to take. so, before we could go anywhere, we had to eat them, cold. well, i had.... 2. carson had like 6, which is amazing. so, when we finished it, i said i wanted to go to the basketball game, but carson said he wanted to see the wrestling. well, being naive and all, i said okay, but we had to go back to see the cheer. so, we watched a few matches. the problem was, i didn't think matches would take so long. and when i went to see when the cheerleaders were ready...... the game was over. i felt really bad and all. i didn't feel right at all and i don't know, it didn't sit well with me.

so, then next time i saw my bff, she ignored me. well, i can't say that.... it was more of a hear me, ignore me, and flick her head the other way and scurry away. yeah, that hurt me, but i deserved that. so, for almost a week, i didn't try anything mainly because i was scared. i don't take yellings from friends well because, well, they're friends. and besides, i've known her forever and finally having a fight like this, it didn't feel right. i planned on either sending her a message or something or have one of my friends talk to her because i didn't think she would listen to me. that's happened to me. krissy was mad at me and she wouldn't listen to me no matter what i said. i thought that was going to happen again and i was so scared. when going through that with krissy, i broke down hard. fights with friends have never gone well with me. family, i can handle because i don't know, my family is weird like that and both sides are known to have fights, so i've always thought of that as normal. but friendships, never. it's rare for me to have fights with friends, and i can't always deal well with it. anyway, brittany, another of my friends, finally urged me to just send a message. i did and it was on facebook because she hardly gets on AIM now. to maek sure she saw my message, i made sure it was short and to the point, because when she goes to the inbox, you see the first 10 words or so. so, here's our talk so far.....

ME: we need to talk. IM me, leave a message, something. it doesnt feel right that we aren't talking now. i wanna fix this.

BFF: u couldve stopped it if u would have figured out ur priorities but now we all kno them and we all kno im behind carson and for some reason it seem crazy to me that even though u promised me that u would be at my game... something that is majorly important to me... then ditched me to walk around with carson.. ive just gotten sick of it.. everytime u make plans to hang out u always break them 4 carson... i kno hes ur first bf but u can say no sometimes say jenn is my bff since 3rd grade and i cant leave her... cuz u kno wut... i feel like im not ur best friend anymore i feel like i come in second to carson and no matter how much i want u do be someplace special for me i carson doesnt want to go ull listen to him... no this is not gonna be figured out if u just tell carson to call me and apoligize... cuz thats not wut i want... i want my bff bak

ME: i know. i'm sorry i made a dumb, stupid, retarded mistake. i don't know what i was thinking. and really, i actually told carson i wanted to see the game. the problem was.... we had pizza. 10 slices of pizza. we did get in trouble from trying to get into the gym, but we got caught even BEFORE entering the place. so, we spent..... a half hour eating cold pizza. but, i guess the rest of the time, i don't have a good enough excuse..... i feel like an idiot. and can i just point something out? your status. it didn't take a week for me to figure out what was wrong. i knew it from the beginning. i was just scared. these things are hard for me, trying to makeup and all because most of the time, i say the wrong things and then everything is screwed up. i lose my friends and it's hard to earn their trust back, like now. it took a lot to finally send the message... i had brittany on my back telling me to just send it. but please understand, i never meant to do that to you on purpose, i just didn't think and this is what i got. if you knew how much this has been tormenting me this entire time, then you'd know that i'll do my best to bring our friendship back. can you please forgive me?

well, i just got another message, but i just can't handle anything more tonight, so maybe tomorrow, if i can remember.... i don't know, things are getting out of hand again. i'm beginning to wonder, will i ever be capable of doing anything right?

I totally understand about fights with friends being different from fights with family. It is weird. I hardly ever get in fights with friends, but when it has happened I feel like I'll never be able to fix it. Family will always be family. BUT, I've always been able to work out whatever with friends once I was able to talk about the problem with them. I'm sure your friend will forgive you once she hears your reason. :)