so, right now it's REALLY late, or early, whichever. and now, the first snow day of St. Louis has passed, and it wasn't that great. i guess the reason i'm acting this way is from Thursday....

Thursday, November 30th, 2006

i wake up and all upset. thurs was supposed to rain ice and snow a lot, meaning no school. and you know what? no ice, no snow, just SCHOOL. i was hella mad. so, i go to school, kinda pissed off, and have my day. that is, until second hour. we get this announcement right after our normal morning ones and the guy said in this cheery voice: "good morning students. i'm sure all of you are interested in hearing this, but right now the roads are becoming too slick and so, school has been considered a short day. all students will leave school at 12:13 and should leave the campus immediately. as for the schedule, all students will not go to 3rd hour, but go to 5th hour after this hour like in a normal half day. have a nice day and drive safely." can anyone scream as loudly as my class? I THINK NOT! i was so happy. and when i left, i ran into so many of my friends, since the normal route to my classes were a tiny bit different, we were so happy. then, i ran into carson, he was just a little upset because he had plans to stay after and hang out with so many people. i felt selfish there since i wanted to spend the day with him, but then again, i kenw that would be hard..... it's cold with ice. and i shoudl know, for 5th hour, i had to walk outside to the trailers for biology. well, i had that, then history, then band. when we left, it was hailing, not badly, but it was hailing. and when i got home, I WAS BORED. so, i went to brit's house. we watched the nightmare before christmas since it was my first time watching it. then did some other things. and then we turn to the news. it was later, like 5 or so i think, and we see our name on the list of school closings. OMFG, we were so happy. so then, carson and i talk on the phone. i forgot who called who, but then this happened:

we wanted to see each other on friday (yesterday, for most of you) and i called my mom to ask her. i got a no, since my grades were still poor and she didn't want it. i had a mini fight with her on that. then, i try to call her back, and she doesn't answer at all. turns out, she was talking to dad the entire time and you know what? he calls me and says i cant. i start to have this fit that i try and keep quiet since i am at brit's house sitting on the staircase. so, he calls my mom back and tries to make a deal. and guess what? i don't get it. and to make matters worse, brit came up to me to check on me, since i pretty much started crying again. he says to me: "you know, at this rate, your mom and I will force you to live in Omaha." ok, that sent me over the cliff. i hung up and just sat there. brit said i could go to her room for some privacy and relax a little. she even said that if i wanted to stay away from my parents, i could sleep over. i said i didn't need to because i would have to go home anyways, so i rejected. but, i did go to her room and called carson to tell him teh story. i was now crying so much, i could hardly talk. i guess carson was so upset as well since this is what he told me: "you're quitting winterguard. you are doing your homework right when you get home and you aren't leaving or doing anything else until it is all done. i'm sorry, but i'm stepping in. you and your mom have fought too much so now i have to stop this. i'm getting involved. tomorrow morning, me and my mom are coming over and the four of us are going to talk this out." i don't know if i was happy, scared, mad, or something that has no words to it. but he said it in this really stern and mad, yet caring voice. i didn't want him to get involved because wit my mom, things can get complicated and unpredictable. i dont remember when he mentioned this, but this also didn't make my day. it was fine when he began, but just made me feel worse in the end: "my mom doesn't like your mom that well. i mean, both of us think your parents are insane. my mom doesn't like yours that much because you aren't disciplined and you dont get good grades, so your mom should get more involved. plus, she hardly spends time with you." i was happy that people were seeing that my parents were a little nutty, but then he brings up how his mom thought of me. i'm well aware that i am self-concious, but hearing that just made things a tiny bit worse. plus, it's my fault that my mom isn't involved. when i heard that, i realized that was my fault. i push her away because i hate having to talk about things that concern me, being self-concious and all. then, i also expect her to know things when she and i don't talk much. so, i ended up crying and talking to carson and my dad, who called every once in a while to check on me, for about 2 hours. i finally left around midnight and didn't tell my mom i came home.

Friday, December 1st, 2006

i had only slept for 4 hours and woke up at 7. i knew that i didn't have school and if we did, i was unwilling to go. the previous night was too much for me. so, because i had nothing better to do, i stayed in bed, crying maybe a few times, for 2 hours staring at a wall. it was 9 AM when my mom came in and talked to me. i always feel weird when i have a serious talk, so i obviously felt that when she came in. she knew i was home and she also knew i had cried. she even guess that i cried myself to sleep, which i did. mom told me that she was going to stay home and we would shovel the driveway together and maybe make a cheesecake, since we've actually meant to do that whenever we had the chance. but, she knew i wouldn't be alright. i was still upset about not being able to see carson. well, she brought this up as well: "now, if you two acted more like friends and less like boyfriend/girlfriend, then i wouldn't have any trouble with letting you two see each other." ok, that pissed me off. i didn't show it, but i thought that was completely stupid. in other words, she thought we were thinking of sex. HA! that's a laugh. AT A TIME LIKE THIS?! why would we? i've been depressed and i'm working on my grades. besides, she, OF ALL PEOPLE, shoudl know i would never do such a thing. carson too. and she thinks we're going too fast!!!!!! please, every one of my friends who have had a bf/gf have gone faster than us! we're going at the speed of snails.... but, i guess i could get where she was coming from. the last time she saw me and carson together, i sat on his lap a few times. but that was the farest we've ever gone. i still thought it was stupid, so later i talked to carson and we said we wouldn't hold each other much infront of adults.

i ended up having a lot of energy and so, i asked to walk around the lake. sure, it was freezing with 5 inches of snow, but i wanted to get rid of this annoying energy that i used to walk in circles in my kitchen. so, i walk. i hear tons of kids getting their sleds to go sledding and i thought it was fun. but, i didn't have any friends. brit was at a friend's house, i didnt know where kric was, and i wasn't allowed to go to carson's. so, i was left all alone. and no, i wasnt going to trav's. i have refused to go to that house ever since a game night when his parents started acting all rude to me. i didn't care that they were drunk, because that only made me madder. so, his house was an obvious NO. so, i was all alone. no one to hang out with and isolated, again. my walk took an hour or so and it was nice. the snow was the good type. powdery but when pressed together, it was sticky so it made a good snowball.

when i got back, i just watched a little of Batman Begins and played a little DDR with the hand controller, being all bleh. carson then called, saying that this snow day sucked and that i got what i wanted, except it sucked. he knew that i was just as bored as he was, so he rubbed it in. we were in the same boat. he couldn't go anywhere since he doesn't want to travel in the cold and joe didn't pick up. i didn't say much since i was remembering the night before. he asked if i was alright and i simply said: "carson, how do you deal with me? all i ever do is make mistakes. i tried for the play and i couldn't see you much after school. and then i joined winterguard and i still couldn't see you. and because of my grades, I REALLY CAN'T SEE YOU AT ALL!!! how on earth can you deal with me?" i just had to get that out. it's been bugging me for a while and i had to know. well, he didn't answer. it was an obvious sign that i was still depressed so he spend about 20 minutes telling me that it was okay and that i should cheer up. i said i was tired and he suggested i take a nap, since he had take two already. so, i did, and i slept for 6 hours. i called carson and he took a nap too, only not as long as mine. we didn't talk much, but i said i had to get ready for bed, even though i just woke up. i didn't mean to do it, but i didn't want to talk to him. we had nothing to say and i just didn't feel like talking. so, i hung up after tellin him i had to leave and started watching tv and listening to music when nothing was on. then, at 11:30, i watched south park and then, just started walking around in circles for about an hour. and brings me to now.

the snow day that i thought would be fun turned into a nightmare. i didn't get to see carson and if i had school, i'd be able to see him and i'd be fine with that. and then since i was isolated at home, i did nothing worth while except shovel the driveway and sleeping, which wasn't worth much at all. so my wish came true: i had a nightmare.