well, i continue to be a horrible person.... but this time, since i don't really have the time, i will be brief and talk about what really been buggin me for weeks now.....

i've never said this to a soul and i want to get it out so badly. so, here goes: i feel like carson and i don't belong. no, nothing is making us mad, it's just that i always find a way to make him upset. and for me, it's been really depressing. for teh past few months, i've been with the play and now that it's only one week from show night, i've never had the time to see him other than school. like now, even though band is done and id on't have to stay for thursday night practices or the football games, i have to stay after for the play and it's really hard. the sets aren't working, the music still sounds like crap, everyone is missing their ques, the mics are still a little messed up, the lights cant seem to go "black" when it needs to, the props people don't know when to changes teh sets, and much more. everyday, i deal with the till 7PM and sometimes later. then, next week, i have to deal with that till 8PM, meaning that right now, i have 4 hours and next week, 5 hours of torture. and do you know what makes things even worse? i don't have time for homework. sure, i should be doing homework now, but needs to get off my chest before i blow. so, because of my lack of work time, my grades suffer. at the moment, i have a D- in history, a C or worse in math, and i just took my biology test today, though i'm sure my homework that i ACTUALLY completed helped in some way. so, until the play is up, my life is topsy-turvy and it's hurting me and carson. just today, he called me when we were dropping brittany off because we're both in the play, but she's crew. he asked how i was because he has known about this since this morning and that i was depressed. i said i was alright so that my mom and brit didn't worry, but then when they left and i was left in the car in a closed garage, i started doubting myselft. i knew things weren't right and that's why i said we should be together. this little incident here, my grades, this is the THIRD time i've done it and we haven't been going out for more that 2 months! and when my parents find out my grades are bad, that means that i get a lecture and then they end by saying "well, maybe you will do better. till then, you can't see carson". talk about ending it on a light note. so, when my grades are below a B, meaning a B- or lower, then i can't see carson. he knew that too, so i don't see why he called me today and asked if i wanted to go on a date with him. he knew that i couldn't and besides, i had play practice, then i was gonna probably stay up all night doing homework so i can be free. but then again, free to do what? i can see my friends, just not carson. and carson seems to be the only one who is free and bored. wel, he wanted to go tomorrow, and i truly wanted to go. but, the chances of me going are none to never. after i hung up, well, more like my phone died on me, i cried a little. i knew that this was hurting us and i wanted it to stop. sure, there was get my grades up, but trying to pull up a D is hard and will take time. i don't have that time.

i can't be with carson. all i ever do is pull him down and make him disappointed in me. and to think, on halloween, we were at a small party infront of a bonfire, just having random talk and girls beating up ben.... but, he told me that the reason he loved to be with me was because it was fun, we make each other laugh (though, that's a lie. he makes me laugh. i never hear him laugh from something i said), and this time we spend together is nice. and what did i say? i said "you are the only person to truly make me happy inside." HOW GAY IS THAT? i dont care if it sounds romantic. the truth is, all he said was what i felt inside. and yes, he is the first to make me feel happy, but the reason i didn't say is, "you care for me, even when it could risk our relationship". i wasn't gonna say that infront of everyone, although no one was really listening, but i couldn't. and for another thing, i don't know if that's how he really feels for me. i don't know if he is willing to stay with me when it could me we can't be together hardly at all. i don't know if he is willing to help me when i refuse it. lol sometimes, being my little crazy self and thinking of cute, romantic scenarios. and lately, because i planned on writing this for a while, i thought of someone finding my site (cause i posted it on facebook but too lazy to take off.... and it's cool to have a site) and read this entry, then tell carson. i only want that because of my fear. i'm too afraid to come clean and tell him of this. i'm too afraid of what he'll say or how he'll feel when he reads that dumb first paragraph. there are so many uncertainties that i don't think i should even be posting this, yet i feel like this is my only outlet. my life has been so baracaded that i can hardly stand it. my mom is always prying her way into my life, like saying that i can't get on the computer until she knows my password to everything i log onto (this is true.... it's sad, isn't it?) and asking if me and carson have kissed yet and even when i don't answer, she starts by saying that we can't have sex (which is dumb cause i want to be a virgin till i get married). my friends are all in their own worlds and not many notice that i'm depressed except for brittany, which is nice. and then carson. he always notices. i don't want him to worry. if you read an entry a few posts ago with the blue in it from an IM i had with him, it says that he doesn't want me stressing over something he should handle. well, now we switched places. i don't want him to worry about me when it's something i should handle. lol this reminds me of those depression medicine commercials. and they ALWAYS say: "who does depression hurt? everyone...." this is true. people notice and they can't stop thinking of what is making that person depressed. oh, if only carson knew.....

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