i'm quite sure that everyone has felt worthy of something, then unworthy of something. i know i have. many say that one day, kharma's gonna bite me in teh butt because of all of this luck i happen to get. for example: i didn't do all of my homework. it was two pages and LOTS of it. so, today, i had to turn in a homework assignment. i had no idea what, but all i knew was, i didn't finish it. and you know what? it was the page that i DID finish. see? kharma's coming after me. i was UNWORTHY of that, but then again, i failed my math quiz before that, so i guess that was put out of my misery. you see? stupid stuff that happens to me all comes from my unworthiness. i mean, i don't deserve food when i forget my money, but people always give me food because they pity me, and i almost get a whole meal's worth! but today, i think kharma pretty much bit off 3/4 of my butt....

today was the powderpuff game. it's where the guys and girls exchange places when it comes to football. the girls play, the boys cheer. and dont worry, i wasn't part of it since it's only juniors and seniors... same for the guys. well, after play practice, i was able to go to the game and i met up with Chris, Carson, Joe, and Sam. and i'll just say this really fast, but i think i'm beginning to have more guy friends than girls. the past years, i was AFRAID of boys... remarkable, right? anyway, we met up, had a little fun with walking around, then we met up with James. so, during the game, we watched a little, then headed up to teh shelf. the shelf is a little platform above the old gym (kinda like a balcony, if you think about it) where they have the wrestling mats. so, a lot of the guys played football with those soft cushiony balls and it turns out a lot of other guys were there. also, some black guys were there (if i sound racist, i'm sorry, but i can't seem to change my words... i don't know how to. only way to describe them to me.... how i grew up). well, we had some fun watching them play football and after a small break, one guy came up to me and i knew instantly that he was gonna flirt with me. i mean, his eyes gave it away. so, RIGHT when he was about to talk, i pointed to carson and said "boyfriend". he looked at carson and he was walking up to us saying "get away, dawg", so he flew! it was really funny. so after that, we had to leave cause we thought the teachers were coming and would tell us to leave.... anyway, we decided to just walk around a little more and since the pep rally was beginning, we would go there. it was located at the new gym, and it was CROWDED. we didn't go inside cause i was still drinking a sprite i had bought and hardly any seats were still open. so, we watched all of the performances at the door. suddenly, carson got quiet.

we were watching teh golden line (they are dancers... really good ones) and he came up to me and stood behind me. i found nothing wrong with that. then, when teh golden guys came up (they were teh cheerleaders for teh powderpuff), they had "chains hang low" going and i started to sing to it. that's when i noticed something was up. carson snapped at me to not sing. we used to sing all the time, especially this song. in fact, just today in spanish, he stole emily's stuffed penguin and made it do "chains hang low"! so, why did he snap at me? he had this straight-forward and serious, yet expressionless face on and because he and i know i'm gullible, i knew i couldn't guess what his real feelings were at the moment. so, i began asking if he was alright. he said he was just hurt cause he hurt his biceps from the football on the shelf. i took that for a while, but he didn't cheer up at all. he stayed the same. so, constantly, i kept on asking if he was alright. i think he got annoyed by that.

when teh pep rally was over, we sat down for a while and me and joe were trying to cheer carson up. carson ALWAYS laughs when joe is around, but he didnt this time. i seriously thought something was wrong, so i wanted to go deeper. we met with jenn and i had to get my backpack from my locker. once agian, the doors were locked, so i had to get a janitor to open it for me. luckily, it was sue. YAY SUE! so, we walked for a bit, got my stuff and then we wanted to go back to the gym, but carson went outside, in the cold. i told jenn that i was gonna follow him for a while. she wanted to know why since i was her best friend, and i said that i was worried about carson and he was acting strange. she said okay to that, so i followed him. we were at the front of the school and he sat on a bench. i stood up at him as he was staring at the sky, then sat down. i wanted to make this serious and quiet, so i whispered everything i said and hoped that he knew i was worried. and you know what he said? "dont worry about me, worry about yourself". we had this conversation before and i was tired of him saying htat. i knew i should have said this to his face, but what i was screaming was: "CARSON! THIS IS A TWO WAY RELATION! IF YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG AND MEET ME HALFWAY, THIS WONT GO ANYWHERE!" i really wanted to say that, but i felt that i would give him some time. however, he just wouldn't open up. well, it's not like i expected that to happen, cause guys are always like that, but this was becoming ridiculous. we felt pretty cold, so we decided to go to the gym. when we got there, jenn and another cheerleader were talking to gary. he is someone from the play and was in OnStage!. really good singer. anyway, they wre talking and i joined a few times, but i also had to worry about carson. he was on the other side of the lobby of the gymnasium and i felt that i should go over there and make sure he was alright. well, when i sat down, i kept staring at him. i thought i could figure out what was wrong, but he only got annoyed. he asked why i kept staring at him and i responded by staying "how can i not?" lame, right? well, he sat up and just kinda sat there. i left for a little bit because a girl needed a cell phone and i lent her mine, so i showed her how to work it, since it was really small and in chinese. anyway, after that, i once again asked if he was alright. and here's a little paraphrase of what our mini conversation was:

Me: are you alright?
carson: yes, now stop asking
Me: well, i can't tell if you are alright! how am i supposed to know?
carson: by trusting me more

that hurt me. it's not like HE hurt me, but more like I hurt ME. i didn't realize until now that i was acting like i didn't trust him. i never wanted that to happen, but in 5 seconds, i realized that i really didn't trust him like i should have. i felt that he needed some time away from me, since i also felt a little clingy, so i whispered "fine" and left to talk to jenn and gary. it was interesting. i learned that stefan, my friend's brother, was a crappy singer and a horrible dancer when he joined as a freshman. but now that he's a senior, he's improved so much that now, he's one of teh best dancers of OnStage! also, i learned that Miss A, her actors for the play were crappy. it turns out that whenever musicals appear, most singers start to audition for the plays, and normally get pretty good parts because they actually do need to sing. but for some reason, miss a only chose those who could ACT to have the good parts and all the really good singers were stuck in ensemble. and all during that whole time, carson was alone, walking around reading some things on the walls. he did that for about 20 minutes. when my mom finally came, we sat in the back, me in teh middle so i was next to jenn and carson. we had a weird conversation saying that parents dont listen cause i said something over and over again and my mom still had no idea what a powderpuff game was, or i think that was the topic. i forget. anyway, it went on like that. when we dropped jenn of, we talked more about the game and what we did, then carson left. but this was also different. we didn't hug like we normally did. i missed it so badly, it depressed me a lot. whats worse is, that was only an hour ago.

now, if you didn't know why this topic is unworthiness, it's the fact that i don't think i am worthy of being carson's girlfriend. it could be the other way around, but what have i done for him? he's helped me TONS on my homework, kept me warm when i was cold, encouraged me to actually work harder, payed for me a lot, endures ALL of my annoying noises and talks, and has made my day more than i care to count now. ooh, we can't forget laughs! he makes me laugh so much, i can't breathe anymore after that! but me, i can't say much. maybe all i do is provide an armrest, maybe keep him warm if he's EXTREMELY cold, and maybe annoy him till he bleeds. what has that done? especially that last one... you see? i don't think i deserve him at all. he said he liked me and i said i liked him too. then, why does it seem that whenever i do something, he doesn't like it? he knows me too well. i mean, he knew what to do for our anniversary and i loved it, even though i didn't eat much. and what did i do? nothing. he knows what i like and what i don't like, so he keeps me away from those things i hate. what me? i don't know what he likes or doesn't like. see what's going on? i know NOTHING. i feel that because of this, why do i have him? i'm sure that someone with more brains or someone who can make him laugh would be perfect for me, and i don't fit either of those. i suck at school and i have issues with making him laugh. i even remember when i asked what he liked about me, he said i made him laugh. then how come when i'm around him, he doesn't laugh unless joe is there? what's the truth?